Y/N?

Prior to becoming a teacher of the deaf, I studied the linguistics of American Sign Language or ASL. Much time has passed and I stutter now when I sign and do the hearing person’s nod when people sign to me as if I am getting it all. I’m not.

Anyway, there are two kinds of questions: wh questions – who, what, where, etc. and more close-ended yes/no questions. In ASL our bodies do different things with each of these questions. Wh- eyebrows and head up; Yes/No – eyebrows and head tilted down. Cool, yes?

Wh- questions are expansive and the possible answers are endless. Yes/no questions have smaller answers. I am here to shoot some air into the yes/no question in the context of self-care.

First of all – when asking a yes/no question anticipate both answers. You are asking it, and even if you want the answer to be yes, the fact that you are asking it in that structure means that you better be ready for a no. If you can’t believe that Sally denied your request to run the candy sale, believe it. Sally doesn’t want to do it and she took your request seriously and answered it honestly. Good for Sally.

Still learning from Sally, when you are asked a yes/no question, you don’t have to say yes. Sally didn’t. You have no idea how many folks cannot say no to requests. They feel guilty, they feel honored or they can’t “hurt” the person asking. You get it. They say yes and HATE the experience, bitching and sighing, groaning and grumpy the whole way through. I have an exercise in a workshop I offer where people practice saying No to insane requests – all true, I may add. We laugh while I suggest that if you can’t say no, say no, thank-you. Thank you for asking.

Remember a yes/no question has two possible outcomes. Sometimes the answer is yes, but it can also be no. When you start saying no to things, you make space for all the
yesses that you desire.