Happy New Year!

Below you will find an adaptation of an essay I wrote in the Philadelphia Jewish Voice for the Jewish New Year. The full essay can be found on my website.

A New Year

Here we are on New Year’s eve with have another opportunity to look at ourselves and our place in the world. Resolutions surface: better nourishment, both spiritually and physically; less weight, emotionally and literally. More action. It is a new year and with it, a new you.

But this year don’t re-invent yourself again. Instead, wonder if you have been the juiciest you that you can be. It is the question the Chassidic master, Reb Zusia asked himself in the oft-told story. He wondered how he would present himself to G-d, since in his lifetime he had not been as strong as Joshua or as brave as Moses. In a moment of clarity the humble rebbe realized that the hardest question he would be asked by the Divine was not Why were you not like these mighty men, but Why were you not Zusia? Zusia, were you the most you could be?

The question can get you right in the kishkes. Are you the most you can be? Not the richest or prettiest person around. Simply the most.

As you look at the year ahead, think about how you can bring your juiciest self to your daily life. The quality of our lives is determined by how we live each day. Sounds daunting? Exciting? It is all yours to create!

May you have many opportunities to shine your own bright light in the coming year.

New Year's Resolution: Clutter

There are so many ways to begin the New Year, but human nature often brings us back to the same ones: health, diet, weight, exercise and clutter. Here is an article from the Philadelphia Inquirer about clutter. Give it a look and come back to the blog. I am happy to say that I am mentioned in the article as well…

Welcome back.

Clutter is such a downer for so many reasons. It literally gets in our way and weighs us down. It sucks energy out of us, mocks us and is emotionally debilitating. The practice of Feng Shui understands the energy of space especially when folks need to change the stressful energy of the chaotic space they live in. Have you ever written a check for a bill and when it came to put it in the mailbox you couldn’t find it? Anywhere? Do you know where your lipstick is? How abou thte dog's leash? How long does it take you to leave your house because you can’t find your keys?

I have all sorts of theories as to why people hold on to clutter but let’s focus on action today and get it outta here.

Select your first clutter-reduction project on any one of the following parameters:

1. Which area is most urgent to clear
2. Which would be the easiest to start or work on
3. Which is bringing you down the most
4. What is calling to you with no logical reason
5. Where is the light shining in the smallest bit to get you started?

Now, what to do with all your stuff.

Some ideas for you:
1. Freecycle – many cities have this exchange of usable goods for free. It is awesome.
2. Recycle – find out what your area recycles. You are in special luck if they take office paper
3. Donate – to thrift shops, charities, shelters, libraries, schools.
4. Sell – eBay is a gas and craig’slist is everywhere.

Ready to begin?

Rock on!

One Quote That Works For You

As the new year begins, I invite you to take a moment to both help me with something and perhaps reflect on the year past or the year ahead.

I am working on a project where I need meaningful quotes about life, love or health. Are there certain quotes or passages that have really gotten you through hard times or inspire continued good ones? Is there a quote you use as a mantra?

Feel free to list them as comments or email them to gari@coachingpartnerships.com.

Thanks!

December Dilemma - NOT

Oy – do I think folks have this one all wrong. Here is how the dilemma is posed: What do intermarried families (Jewish and non-) do during the Christmas season? To celebrate or not, to visit or not, to participate or not, to enjoy or not.

My husband’s family is Catholic. I always joke that he left the church long before his mom could blame me. He and his brother were primo altar boys, the ones tapped for nun’s funerals. He left the church when he left home for college and although we have been together for 16 years, he joined my people in the synagogue only five years ago. But that’s another story.

For us, Christmas is a holiday half our family celebrates and we celebrate it with them in their homes with their customs and feeling their love. We created our own Christmas minhag/tradition. (Bet you never saw those 2 words together—Christmas Minhag) We stay at the local Marriott and go swimming at midnight. OK, I knit but the other 3 swim.

Here is the thing: we love our family and love that all our children, Catholic and Jewish “get” and respect each other. We sit through their communions and they dance at our Bat Mitzvahs. We all learn through love.

So what is the dilemma? Here are two for starters:
1. What if your cousin’s wedding is on Yom Kippur? She didn’t vet the date with you—why should she? What do you do?

2. What if your in-laws come to visit during Pesach, bringing a box of Entenmanns’s crumb cake and you say Thanks, but the family is not eating cake right now. They say, Oh right, well, we’ll eat it ourselves and you say I’m sorry, you can’t bring that box in the house right now. How could a non-Jew ever understand that? Here is his dilemma – how can I understand this new life my son has chosen where cake can or cannot be brought into the house.

Christmas is one day (although it starts in October) a year. How do intermarrieds negotiate the 364 other days?

We do it in the context of love and respect and knowledge that religion has divided and conquered for too long. Intermarried families have the opportunity to make the world a little smaller and more tolerant – with the added gift of diversifying the gene pool.

Merry Crispness.

Our Stories

Oh boy, do we get stuck in our stories! As you tell them over and over again are you beginning to get sick of them yourself? Can you feel the nudge to give it up - to stop defining yourself through that story?

Give yourself a present and kiss the story goodbye.

John and Elizabeth Edwards

As a woman who had breast cancer, I am invested in Elizabeth Edwards' health.

I remember when the news about her metastasized cancer burned through the airwaves and how opinions were formed in an instant. What was most disconcerting was the venomous criticism of her husband, John, as he continued his bid for the presidency.

While Elizabeth’s health is not consistently in the news, the venom against Edwards has not necessarily dissipated. He’s selfish, he has small children, yadayadayada. Of course he is selfish – he is running for president. His kids? He’s been a lawyer and a politician. What's different? A husband? Here he wins. He and Elizabeth believe in the power of dreams and in living each day. How do I know? We cancer dreamers recognize each other.

One of the most difficult issues for those with breast cancer is the horror we bring to our families. Not only is the experience unplanned and unrequested but the outcome could be fatal. In one day a family's life is changed forever. How each family copes and struggles with dreams of survival is of no concern to anyone else.

I maintain that if people truly wish Elizabeth Edwards well, they will not question her decision to help her husband pursue the presidency. We don't know what shared dreams John and Elizabeth have. We don't know what triumph means to them. Could it be fully living with cancer and living in the white house?

You want to show support for a potential candidate's wife? Don't criticize her decisions. Send her love, ease and strength. And back off.

Everything is Possible

The colors outside were variations of grays and blues with a memory of green on the grass. Naked bushes and trees allowed us to see the squirrels scamp as we looked for deer. I was hanging with a 16 year old who is on the brink of exploring her life as she begins to envision a world out of her parent’s home. She said “When it looks like this I feel as though anything is possible. It all looks so clear.”

I was surprised that she saw possibility when most of us see emptiness. Possibilities come with buds on the trees, with the sweet hint of green washing branches and earth, waiting for color to burst forward. Against her backdrop of gray I realize how literal my expectant buds are.

For her -- is it because she is young? -- possibilities exist against a canvas of what is. She doesn’t need the suggestion of growth or hint of color. It was the clear, uncluttered view that supported her ability to dream in that moment.

I am thankful for small conversations that continue to teach me lovely lessons.

Mmmm

By us, (as my NY Grandmother would say) today is gray and blustery. There is only one response to this kind of weather: soup. Here is a recipe from Cherie Calbom’s The Healthy Gourmet, a book I’ve owned since the mid 90’s. It is the one on my shelf with the broken spine. I have only made two things out of this book but they are comforting, delicious staples in my repertoire. I suppose I should expand and turn to a few other pages in this well-worn book.

I soak the beans over night because I like to. It's not necessary in today’s world of healthy canned beans but when I do, I feel more connected to the process.

Enjoy!

Mediterranean White Bean Soup

Like all bean dishes, this delicious soup is very high in fiber and protein; it can be a complete meal with multi-grain bread and a salad.

I tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
4 or 5 celery stalks, chopped
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 to 1'/2 cups small white beans, such as navy or great northern, soaked for 4 hours or
overnight and drained
6 cups water or vegetable stock
I tablespoon vegetable base or 2 vegetable bouillon cubes
I tablespoon miso (any kind)
Dash of tamari or light soy sauce
3 large carrots, sliced
1 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 bay leaves
2 tablespoons minced fresh oregano, or 1 teaspoon dried
1 teaspoon dried tarragon
Sea salt and pepper to taste (optional)

1. Heat the oil in a large soup pot or Dutch oven and saute the onion, celery, and garlic for approximately 5 minutes. Add the drained beans, water or stock, vegetable base or bouillon cubes, miso, tamari or soy sauce, half the carrots, half the parsley, and the bay leaves. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to medium, cover, and cook 1 1/2 hours or until the beans are tender.
2. When the beans are fully cooked, add the remaining carrots, parsley, oregano, tar­ragon, and salt and pepper, if using. Cook for another 10 minutes or until the carrots are tender but not mushy. Remove the bay leaves, ladle into soup bowls, and serve hot.

Prep Time: 20 min.
Cooking Time: 1 ½-2 hours

Y/N?

Prior to becoming a teacher of the deaf, I studied the linguistics of American Sign Language or ASL. Much time has passed and I stutter now when I sign and do the hearing person’s nod when people sign to me as if I am getting it all. I’m not.

Anyway, there are two kinds of questions: wh questions – who, what, where, etc. and more close-ended yes/no questions. In ASL our bodies do different things with each of these questions. Wh- eyebrows and head up; Yes/No – eyebrows and head tilted down. Cool, yes?

Wh- questions are expansive and the possible answers are endless. Yes/no questions have smaller answers. I am here to shoot some air into the yes/no question in the context of self-care.

First of all – when asking a yes/no question anticipate both answers. You are asking it, and even if you want the answer to be yes, the fact that you are asking it in that structure means that you better be ready for a no. If you can’t believe that Sally denied your request to run the candy sale, believe it. Sally doesn’t want to do it and she took your request seriously and answered it honestly. Good for Sally.

Still learning from Sally, when you are asked a yes/no question, you don’t have to say yes. Sally didn’t. You have no idea how many folks cannot say no to requests. They feel guilty, they feel honored or they can’t “hurt” the person asking. You get it. They say yes and HATE the experience, bitching and sighing, groaning and grumpy the whole way through. I have an exercise in a workshop I offer where people practice saying No to insane requests – all true, I may add. We laugh while I suggest that if you can’t say no, say no, thank-you. Thank you for asking.

Remember a yes/no question has two possible outcomes. Sometimes the answer is yes, but it can also be no. When you start saying no to things, you make space for all the
yesses that you desire.

Pricked: Extreme Embroidery

I recently had the pleasure of wandering through the exhibit, Pricked: Extreme Embroidery at the Museum of Art & Design in NYC and I loved it! I welcome seeing how people re-invigorate classic crafts such as embroidery. I romanticize the days when people created handwork out of necessity and then added embellishments of detail and design because the human eye delights in beauty. In fact, there is a studio near Philadelphia, the Handwork Studio, which teaches these crafts to the next generation.

But I digress. The artists in Pricked take needlework and bring it to contemporary art, conveying political and social messages – some subtle and some disturbing. Most are challenging to describe but I think I can do justice to one installation. I apologize that I cannot name the artist—I will call the museum so that I can attribute proper credit to the proper person. This was a series of lace doilies, mounted individually on black velvet, each with intricate designs, each one unique and beautiful. Upon reading the description we learn that each one is a true representation of different viruses: SARS, Flu, HIV and others. Until this exhibit, perhaps the only folks who thought a virus beautiful were the researchers who were intimate with their essence. Here, we are invited to re-examine potentially life-threatening illnesses with proper awe, brought to us by art.

Pricked: Extreme Embroidery is exquisite. Go and enjoy.

Happiness

Fill in the blank:
I will be happy when _____________________.
(This is a trick question)

Now answer these questions:
Is happiness up there on your top ten values?
Do you know what makes you happy?
Does the concept of happiness seem trivial in today’s world?
Do you make time for happiness?

Can you see where I am going with this? I am a vocal convert to the happiness movement also known as positive psychology as represented by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. and Martin Seligman, Ph.D. I am loving the book Happier, by Ben-Shahar. Upon seeing the book on the coffee table, my youngest asked me in a worried but calculatedly calm way – "Mom, are you happy?" "Yes, sweetheart, I am. I am reading the book for my coaching practice." I smiled and realized that she values happiness and wants that for me. Nice.

Here is a quote from Ben-Shahar’s book:

Rather than feeling despondent because we have

not yet reached the point of perfect happiness,
rather than squandering our energies to gauge
how happy we are, we need to recognize that
happiness is an unlimited resource and then
focus on ways in which we can attain more of it.
Becoming happier is a lifelong pursuit.

Go for it – create happiness for yourself now. Then you can bring more happiness into the world with your smile and an open heart.

Change Your Life This Instant

There is one thing that can change your life this very second: gratitude. No matter how you are feeling, no matter where you are, no matter how unfair the situation is, when you start accessing gratitude things change. What are you thankful for? Don't hesitate. Can you list 6 things stream o' conscious-like?

Small -- your new pen that feels so good in your hand.

Big -- the loving faces of your family.

Small -- the parking spot you found.

Big -- heat in your house.

Small -- chitchat with the coffee vendor.

Big -- your health.

There is a shift when you stop and feel gratitude. Perspective enters, making less room for plain old grumpiness or victimization.

Notice gratitude daily -- it will change your life. I absolutely promise this

Death - Larger Than Life

I recently went to my friend's brother's funeral. A young man with 3 kids, felled by melanoma, the stories about Andrew were endless. At the funeral and in the house of mourning, rabbis, siblings and friends all remembered Andrew as larger than life and humor was the common thread of all their memories.

I too, have endured the pain of death, having lost my mother, father and mother-in-law within three short years. I often describe my parents as larger than life, or in my mother's case, a force of nature. It recently occurred to me that each of these folks, Andrew included, must have lived life to the fullest and were not shy or reticent about experiencing themselves in it. They did not wait to feel life, they did not deny themselves their unique gifts. In doing so, they allowed each of us to experience them fully and really know them. In some bizarre way, this makes it easier to carry them with us once they have left.

Could we see this as a "charge" to us to be the most that we can be? Is a legacy determined by how authentic one lives a life? And in doing so, are we making a mark as we live and making it easier for our loved ones when we die?

There are so many lessons to be learned as a daughter, friend and coach. Learn more about Andy and the foundation he created to fight melanoma

What Are You Tolerating?

There are many ways to dissipate our life’s energy. Tolerations are the gnats of life that irritate us over and over and we put up with them. Some tolerations are huge: an abusive spouse, a mercurial boss, a difficult officemate, a car on the brink of breakdown. But most of the time they are really small -- incessantly nickel and diming your energy.

Here is an example. You know how the silverware caddy of the dishwasher is made from hard plastic. Over time, the plastic squares break off a little and the holes at the bottom of the caddy get larger, allowing knives and spoons to fall through. How many days and nights of filling the dishwasher do you think it takes before more plastic tabs break off and half the silver either falls through or is crammed into 2 little sections never getting clean? How many times while filling the dishwasher are the words “I need to order a new silverware caddy” said? I know the answer to these questions.

Now a silverware caddy is not dire, but add small things up and time is spent complaining, sighing and surely muttering about them. You start thinking that your daily life is comprised of endless annoyances.

Start taking notice of what you are tolerating: take one at a time and zap it. Buy the damn caddy already.

8 Blogs Old

Hey -- On the eve of my actual birthday I can announce that I am 8 blogs old and still shaky about how to do this.

I tried posting a comment that came to me via email on "Thrill" but it looks like it is my comment...I am trying to change the subscribe button into an RSS feed, but I am still unsure about how to do it. I am not getting this all right away, but can I share how cool it is to tiptoe into this world?